To YOU.
Lets take a walk down memory lane.
Think back to last summer when we first started 'dating'. Lets think back to Rebeka. Do you remember that? Because you should. Maybe you never physically cheated on me, but there is no denying that you emotionally did...and I know 'words were said'. I know that she would be there when you got home from being with me, asleep in your bedroom. I know that you flirted. I know that you came close to kissing. Whether or not you actually did is irrelevant now. Its almost a year past.
A few months later. My birthday. You didn't even bother to come over. Other than seeing Chaela and Bee after school, I was alone. I was all alone. My own boyfriend couldn't even find the time to spend with me. You got me a Monster's Inc. stuffed animal. Do you remember everything I did for you and got for you on your birthday? Do you? Because it took a lot of time and preparation. And you didn't even come over to see me on mine.
Homecoming? Did you ask off for it? No. The last year of high school and you couldn't even go with me. Ahh. You had to work. But wait. You could ask off to go skating with your friends? Hm.
A few weeks later. You come to my workplace and I let you take my car out because I know you love it. I never saw that car again. I don't blame you for the accident. I don't blame you at all. However, I do blame you for not being a 'man' or whatever about it and even paying the deductable. My parents are no richer than yours. The only thing I did wrong was let my big effing heart get in the way and hand you the keys. You drove it off the interstate. Therefore, you could have AT LEAST offered to pay some sort of reparation. I am sorry, but a $40 bouquet of flowers to my mother does not cover everything she has had to go through to make up for that car. And, on top of that, you had the audacity to not like her, as if it were here fault. I don't think so.
Skip ahead a bit. November comes. You and I got into some version of an arguement and we came close to breaking up. (Farewell 4.) I remember what you said to me that night. We hadn't talked because you hung up on me and when I finally got in touch with you worried about the status of our relationship, you told me, all in all, that I was nothing but an idiot and that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and listening to emo. Something along those lines.
Christmas time. I spent a month getting your things together. I didn't get you anything big. It was all things of significance, though. I was so proud of myself. The look on your face when you opened all of the gifts. It was worth it all. Ah. But do you remember what my gift was? A c.d. player. Okay. I appreciate it. Great. FROM A FRIEND. You were my boyfriend! I'm a teenage girl. WTF is a c.d. player in terms of significance!? I am not asking for you to spend money on me. I hate that. I just want something of personal value. A bracelet. A flower. A card. I got a discman.
Valentine's Day. Oh. This one is a personal favorite. Okay, so a couple of days before, you yelled at me on the phone and I hung up. You got pissed at me. (You know, as though you hadn't ever hung up on me for doing *nothing*. I forgot. You are perfect.) You didn't fucking talk to me for 2 days. I went to your work the day before V-day and put candy on your car and wrote you a poem and said I was sorry. The next day is Ferbruary 14th. I come to your house that morning with your gift, ready. Its THE DAY for couples. For love. I had spent 6 hours the night before baking you cookies and cupcakes and making you a box with our pictures on it. I made like, 4 different kinds of cookies. That takes time and effort. I also got you candy and a stuffed skunk because of the inside joke. I come over. You still don't talk to me. You roll over in bed. When I start to cry, you get mad. Finally you talk. You didn't get me SHIT for Valentine's Day. Not even a card. Valentine's Day, Newbie. I will *never* forget that.
March. Our first serious breakup. I sat in your car and bawled and told you this wasn't working. However, after a trip to Louisville to see my dad, you and I got back together. Things went really well for a while. A while.
Then it comes. April 21, 2003. Its over. It is actually over. I am genuinely HAPPY for the first time in forever. I can breathe.
Now, you want me back? You think I should take you BACK? I do believe you have changed. I really do. But the slate that is supposedly "clean" is still scribbled all over in permanent marker in my mind. You killed me. It has taken me a good while to forgive you. After this, I will .w.o.r.k. .o.n. forgiving you. But I won't be able to give you another shot. Not for myself.
I know now that I am better at being used than being the user. You taught me that much. I will probably always be more attracted to those who will inevitably treat me like I am worthless. I wish I would find someone to change that, but I don't know if or when I will. I am being patient, though.
I am glad that maybe I am what has changed you. I hope that in the future, you find a girl who you can actually treat decently.
I'm sorry I publicly said all of this, but this is the first time I have been honest in this 'diary'...at least in regards to you. Take a deep breathe and continue to change. It makes me smile.