...World's Greatest...this song makes me sad. But it rules. Some of you know the history behind it. Yep. "High school...". It does matter what grade I am in. It really does. No matter what you say. You know that its the truth, too. And that's what sucks.

I cannot lie and pretend and say that today was a BAD day. I mean, the first 9 and one half hours of it were quite awesome. Like I said. "Just being there...". Then, hm...I went home. AND DiDN'T GO TO SLEEP!! Amazing. I called Katie. Yes. She is such a great friend. And I talked to her for a while ((OKAY, '11~2' just freaked the crap out of me!!)). Then, my mom and I went out to eat. I just wish it had only been the two of us. But no, I can't ask for just "mom and Rach" time anymore. I forget its like a fucking custody battle to even SEE my damn mom. Yes, yes. Guys really do just complicate matters.

When I got back from that, I went upstairs with hopes to fall into my bed and not wake up for a very long time. It obviously would have been better if I hadn't woken up until tomorrow morning. I should have just turned off the phone. But I didn't. So, it rang, I didn't fall asleep, and it sucked. I watched a movie and slept from 4-6. Yes. iT SUCKED. Then I went to Chaela's. I'd write about it, but I don't remember much about it due to this major lack of...um...SLEEP. I just sat on the couch and watched the Disney Channel. I felt like a lazy ass. I felt like I wasn't "participating" ((SHiT! What movie is that from!?)). But o'well.

I was going to go home, but things happen, so I didn't. I should have. I should have called Katie. "Hey Katie, there is a full moon. Let's go to the BP. We have a lot of shit ot talk about. Then, we can go make a 'Tylertown run' and then just fuck away our night like we USED to always do..." That's what should have happened. But, I went to the apartment.

Now, don't get me wrong, I *LOVE* being there...with him. Just not when I am like this. I wish I knew what "like this" was. Maybe it's just because I am so tired. Maybe it's not coming back. Maybe the fucking feeling isn't coming back. Maybe it is just temporary. Or maybe how I felt tonight is a cause of that. That fucking thing that sparatically comes up. That thing being "sadness...depression...".

ANYWAYS, I'm not making any sense right now. On with the story...

So, I go over there and everyone left to go to Rob's. And we were going to go. But we didn't. And, that started it off. I feel like I'm taking him away from doing the things he wants to do. I felt like I was a burden on him. Then, little things kept getting said and I just got the whole "lump in the throat, burning behind the eyes" feeling. ((NOTE: It's amazing how I was single ALL year...and I only cried *four* times and then I get into a relationship and I feel like breaking down quite often...but I haven't YET!! "I'm never sad...")) Things that referred to me being in high school. PROOF THAT iT HURTS. This is what happened with Jo. We fucking broke up a 10 month relationship because of the term "age difference". Well, that and that stupid drug...X. But, main point being AGE.

"Damn, people get married and have kids off of a ten month relationship." -Newbie...ahhm...Michael?<--That's weird.

Anyways, yes. So, 10 months of fucking love and devotion and everything inbetween because of my age. I really am scared to death of it happening again.

Fuck. Yes. FUCK.

>>Talking to Chaela about 'things'.<<

I am sorry that I can't say what the hell is on my mind. I am sorry I don't make him as happy as I want to.

I wonder if he meant what he said last night...because I did.

I couldn't take the "lump in the throat" feeling anymore, so I got up. And went home. And for a while, I just sat in the parking lot of the apartments and bawled. I was actually late getting home. I cried the whole way home. I cried for a little while after I got in the door. Then, I realized how much more tired I feel after crying and I stopped because I knew I really didn't want to go to sleep just yet.

I want to be the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up. I want to be the last thing he thinks of before he goes to bed. When he kisses me, I want it to be more than just a repeated action. I want it to mean something every time. I want to be able to still give him butterflies, as well as still get them, when we're together. I don't ever want the "good feeling" of being kissed on the neck and behind my ear (and the other place he still hasn't found yet...WOW! That sounds horrible. I don't mean it that way...) to go away. I want it to make me shiver everytime. I want to able to be ME. I want to be able to say everything. I want everything to be awesome. I want to spend my time with him laughing and just 'being there', not worrying and pinching the palms of my hands to avoid crying. Maybe I want too much.

I am *not* going to be a bitch. I am not going to "take him for granted" ((nice usage of quotes, huh Katie?)). I am not going to do things I shouldn't behind his back. Or right in front of him. Damn. Katie, you might be the only one that fully gets that. Detectives for sure. SOME PEOPLE are blinded by iggnorance, and other completely blinded by feelings. SOME PEOPLE deserve to be smacked. Especially... cough.

...Other things bother me, too.

I don't foresee myself playing soccer this year. And that's killing me. I don't think people understand why. I am not going to spend my fall, winter, and spring of this year trying my hardest to be great friends with Fran and Mere just so that soccer season might be okay. I spent so much time this year trying to be awesome friends with them. But I was always an outsider. I am not going to spend part of my summer and then all of the first part of the school year doing the same thing. I am not going to be an outsider anymore. This happened last year, too. This time, I'm not going to back down. It's not like the team really needs me, anyways. It's not like I'm a coach's favorite. But, it still hurts like hell. I love the game. I love it all so much. It won't ever be like freshman year.

And I still miss my friends. Going to the BP and visiting "Isaac, Courtney, and Allison" with Katie, or my Triple Threat crew and eating grilled cheeses and getting lost with them. I miss the sense of belonging that I had when I was with either the "Secret Santa Girls" or "Triple Threat" or...well...I guess that's it. "Movie Crew 2002?" I didn't belong there at all. School = POiNTLESS EVERYDAY STRESS.

((Editor's note: I just realized that it made me sound like I don't like my current friends. But Chaela & Tabby...you guys RULE. 2 of my best friends. I don't know what I'd do without you. I probably would go crazy. You guys keep me in the right balance of sane & insane. I love you guys!!))....

In the end of this all, I want him to know that I meant what I whispered last night.