The summer, the summer that I spend with Rob and everyone, is when I am me. Its when I am happy about shit. Its when nothing bothers me. Well, not "nothing". Fuck. Shit has been bothering me like mad crazy lately. But that comes later. For the most part, nothing really gets to me all that badly. I am *me*. Then school starts up. And then I realize how terribly bad it sucks to not be in the group. So I spend the rest of the year making up for the summer's lost times.
FUCK THAT. I am not allowing myself to fucking do that this year. The people that are my friends will be my friends no matter who that fuck I like to chill with. So what if I don't like to chill with the all-mighty goddess, Fran? So what if I don't enjoy the "Movie Crew 2002"? So the fuck what if I can't stand Taylor Cooper? So what if I don't like Chris and Wes and Big Bawn even if they are the clique of our damn class? So what if the only people in our class that have ever earned my respect are Holly, Sara, and Brandon?
I learned today that it doesn't matter how hard I try. I will never, ever, ever be "one of them". They will never call me up and ask me to do something. Nevermind calling me up to see if my mother and I would like to go to Florida with them and their perfect families. I know where I do and do not fit in. Fitting in is no longer a top priority in my life. And I don't ever want to retract that statement. I don't care if I go to pep-rallies and I don't wear the "04 girls" shirt. I guess I am just not a shallow enough person to wear it. In 2 months, I don't want that crap to bug me. It might, but if it does, it just goes to show that I don't have power over it.
Tonight...tonight wasn't wonderful. It was sweet, but bittersweet completely. I think Newbie is mean. But then why do I let myself like him? Maybe I don't like him. Maybe I am just looking to be happy and in the back of my mind, for some reason, I believe that that requires a boyfriend. But it doesn't. At all. But maybe I do like him.
Or maybe I like Rob.
Then again, I might hate Rob.
As well as hate Newbie.
Wow I'm tired. But I'm going to finish this entry.
I told Rob everything in my heart. I am so bad at face-to-face crap, and I said it all. I have never done it. And I did. I told him how he wasn't my rebound and how much he, at one point, meant to me. And how he was one of my best friends. And I even told him about Bendorf. About how wrong I was. And how he should hate me. I said "I'm sorry." and meant it. And he knew how much it all took me. And...you know what came from all of that nervousness and the butterflies and fucking crying? You want to know?
He said...
"Thank you."
Fucking thank you. What the hell? That is why I don't open up to people.
But Newbie opened up to me, after being an ass to me all night. He told me about his parents. And thats about the time my heart started to flutter.
But I am denied. I am just so young apparently. Aha. Yes. I have been called out on that one a few times tonight. Always will be that way I imagine, though. Not too much one can do about the uh...whole "age thing". Fuck, maybe its my parent's fault.
Although Newbie says I blame too much on parents.
Everything just keeps going back and forth.
But hell. I should be happy. ROB SAiD THANK YOU.
Yeah, you're welcome.