FUCK EVERYONE!!!!
Goddamn! How the hell can everything go from an all time high of like, 200 to oh, like a 3?? Damn, I am so ah!!! Today was supposed to be the big day that I got my braces off and "hey everyone! look! I got my braces off!!" and yeah. It was supposed to be a great day. Fuck that.
I hate thinking that I am starting a friendship only to realize that I am the only person feeling that way. I am so sick of being ditched on!! Okay, some examples. We'll start with friend #1. Now, #1 and I have had many of ups and downs. But everything lately has been awesome!!!! I mean, sure we don't stay on the phone and giggle and we don't chat on AIM or anything, but we've gotten along and had some really good talks. But as soon as someone else comes along, some other friend, and #1 doesn't need ME anymore, then BAM. "Rachel who??". I am so sick of that! It happens all throughout soccer season and great! Now I have track season to look forward to as well!!
Okay, and then there are friends #'s 2-4. Now, I thought we were all "The World's Greatest" and whatnot. We would be friends forever. I had a special bond with all of them. But no, I guess they don't need me anymore.
Then there's friend #5. If you're reading this my answer is "no". I am not going to. No, I didnt say anything to anyone about it. But no no no no no. I can't. Braces or no braces.
Then there's the most important of all. Friend #6. Now, I really consider this person a real friend. Someone I can call up and cry to. Someone I can trust in. Someone I could, oh...say...be in a secret rock band with. ;-) But I am really, in all honesty, scared to even say "Yeah! I consider ______ to be a true friend." because it seems like everytime I do that, they leave. I just need a solid friendship to help me to survive these next couple of years.
I have said it tons of times since I started this diary 9 months ago. I am *so* sick of losing friends. Look at this. Look at all of the people that I have been friends with since this started that I don't have a relationship with anymore. (& I am talking about people that I trusted):
Casey
Garrett
Ginn
Joanna
Bill
Sara
Holly
Megan
Amy
Chaela
Rob
Brad
Brian
Sonya
Chad
Daniel
Tia
JO
Tate
KT
Dinah-Rhea
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Now, granted, I am still friends with some of those people. And, there are definitly people there that I DON'T want to be friends with. And there are people up there that I wish I was still "tight" with. It's just that, well, there is a difference in someone you'll talk to in your 1st period and someone that you can call at midnight and cry to about some guy or your parents. I just want a rock and it feels like all I've been getting are piles of sand. Right now. I mean, right now...it feels like maybe, just maybe I am getting the chance to have a rock. I hope that it's not all just a mirage.
"I've been here for too long to face this on my own. Well I guess this is growing up."