I never saw it coming. I can only repeat those words over and over simply because no other words will form themselves into complete thoughts. I never saw it coming.

I just wanted today to be special for her. I tried so hard. And yet I ruined it. I fucking hate him. I don't know what she sees in him. I don't understand it.

But - as my very own mother said - its all my fault. The one person in this world who is to love me unconditionally has looked at me through eyes that scream 'You're a fuckup.'

How is it possible? Have I really done it? God, I hate myself. I didn't think it would come crashing down so quickly. And at my fault. Yet I'm not sorry for the words I spoke.

Repsect my elders?

How am I to respect someone who treats my mom so terribly? She says he loves her, but I have yet to see it in the full and purest form. She came up to my room and basically said that everything wrong in her life is my fault. I always thought it, but now at my own mother's confirmation, its not longer just a thought in the back of my mind. Its a fact set in stone. What she said will forever be etched into my mind and heart.

Its all my fault.

I ruined her day. I made today - the day I should convey my love for her the most - I made her reflect pure hatred.

My very own mother resents me.

And now I realize that every little thought I have had in regards to myself - every negative thing I have ever thought or felt - is no longer just a feeling or a thought.

Because when the one person in this world who is to love you unconditionally reflects hatred towards you, your biggest fears are transformed into reality: I really don't deserve to be here. To be alive.

I just want to vanish into thin air. I don't want to die, although the general thought is here. I just want to vanish. I don't want people to pretend that they care. No questions need to be asked. I just want to become part of a general background. I just want to be no more than miniscule aspect in everyone's life. I want to one day blow away, like dust in the wind.