I know that I am sickly addicted to the internet and quite pathetically attached to my computer, but it has been a while since I actually got addicted to Diaryland. It usually occurs when my thoughts go faster then my mind can process. Its when I have no one else but myself to think with. I write more and more vague entries. The private entries are usually saved for important ones. They are becoming sparatic. So here I sit on this Wednesday night in my room listening to random songs wondering What happens next?

I take a deep breathe and I try to remember everything I have thought about or worried about or dreamed about today.

...inhale. exhale...

I know Beth gets angry when I talk about stupid boys and when I say things about no one liking me. That is a lie. I have 2, off the top of my head, that have some sort of feelings towards me. But...well, I've been around the block a couple of times with them. I need to start over. I need a fresh clean slate. But I tried that, too. Ran myself into a damn wall it appears.

I wonder why dark roads on dark nights are good places for thoughts to skim through a person's mind. There is nothing more relaxing than the simple yellow lines painted on the dark background of the streets. There is no better feeling than being in the car, whether it be alone or with someone you care very much about, perfect silence of voices, yet at the same time, screaming through the stereo. Thoughts tend to be the best at those times.

What was I doing 2 years ago? Lets see...[reading.]

June 6th, 2001.

Wow. Thats pretty funny. Where are those people now? Well, I still talk to Joanna. She is at UT-Martin, living in Memphis now, and she's in love. Her brother has evolved into my own little brother. Danny. I still live in perpetual fear of their mother.

Then there's Bill. I still run into him every once in a while at random places in Clarksville. We'll talk and catch up and leave promises of hanging out or calling, but no phone calls are ever made.

To think I was once so close to them.

But I guess a lot of people have been like that in my life. Maybe thats why I opt for the internet so much. I mean, its harder to argue and fight with people on here. You don't ever get sick of people because what is a 3 hour conversation online is only about a 30 minute conversation in person. Look at Christina and I. I have been 'online friends' with her since Febraury 2002. How many people here have been my friend (good friends) since then? Hm.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not some really weird kid who doesn't go out and LIVE. I'm trying to stop staying home all the time. I try to go places, even if it a six hour drive. I try to make my friendships the very best that they can be.

But when I go home at night and everyone else here falls asleep, I start my day all over again. I run through my rountine of diary and forum reading, I i.m. the same few people, and I stay here for hours. Then go to bed and repeat.

I rented Donnie Darko tonight. I haven't ever seen it. Man, it looks weird as all hell. I could go watch it...I will go watch it. Anything other than staying here.

But yep. I'll be back.

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