lost.
[ 2001-05-04 - 2:56 p.m.]
First off...Garrett...I just ready your diary and: "sometimes it seems like people get mad at about stuff just to be mad and get people to feel sorry for them. i dont understand that. fuck sympathy, half the people showing that they care, dont. there is no point in feeling bad or being upset to get attention. it just pisses everybody else off. id rather have fun and laugh then whine and cry about something you wont care about in a week." I know what you're talking about and I wasn't doing anything for sympathy...sorry. And this sure as hell isn't for sympathy...I don't want any fucking sympathy. Why can't my life be NORMAL??????? I just want to be what almost every teenage girl is!!! How about STRAIGHT...and with lots of friend that understand me. Right now, I don't even know who my friends are. Well, other than Jo, kC, and Garrett. Like, lately I've been with Ginn & Bill, too. But I was trying to think today (since we went to Nashville) what makes me fit in with them? Is it the fact that I'm gay? I mean, I don't think thats what friendships are supposed to based on. Don't get me wrong, I *LOVE* both of them, but sometimes...sometimes...I don't know. I wonder a lot about whats going to happen when Jo leaves. Bill will be at another school & distant friendships can tend to be hard to keep. And then I'll be at school with Ginn and Garrett, but I can't tag along on all of their dates and shit, so where do I fit in? I have so much fun with them, but I don't want to become BFFs with people I have the potential to lose so easily. Of course, there is Casey and all of my RMS friends, but what if I come out this summer? Casey already knows, but will she befriend me? And if her and Goat go out, will she have time to hang out with me? Maybe I'll just become one of those people that people will smile at in the hallways but then talk about or roll their eyes at me as soon as my back is turned. Nah, I don't think I'll ever go back to the way it used to be, but I don't know WHAT to do. It seems like Garrett and Ginn don't want me to hang out with them because they want their "private couple time" and Bill...well, I just think he'd rather hang out with other people...and I'm usually pretty good with those kind of things. AHH!! I'm lost.
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