I wish Newbie would love me. I think he just says the words. But never shows it. Never just kisses me softly to kiss me. Never just surprises me with little things. Never. Everything has become montoneous with him. Every bit of our relationship. Calling me has become a chore to him. Hanging out with me just isn't fun anymore. I miss the summer.
I miss the week he spent over here. I miss the Fantastic Four. I miss Chaela. God, I miss Chaela. Talk about not appreciating someone. I know I could hang out with her, but not without BeEeEeEe. >>Gag.<<
Brandon loves me. Brandon tells me. He shows it. Why am I not with him?
Because I have my heart stuck on Newbie. I have some fait dream of us staying together. Going to college together, getting married. Having kids. And fulfilling all of our teenage dreams.
But he's not a teenager.
There are so many things I hate about him. Really. I hate that he's such an elietest. He thinks he's going to live in NYC and drive some hot BMW M-5 and have a penthouse apartment and be the CEO of some kickass company. I wish he'd just settle for owning a business in a smaller town. In a nice little house. With a nice little family.
The things I love? When we can act goofy together. The times he is sweet. The sound of "Yeah. This is my boyfriend. We've been together for __ months."
Thats a terrible thing to say. I do love him. But I hate questioning his love for me. I do.
I want to know how much longer he plans to keep me around. I wish he'd just DUMP ME and get it over with. I wonder if he even gives a damn!?
No one ever asks me my dreams.
Rachel, what do you wish to do with the rest of your life?
Well, I want to graduate high school in August of 2003. After that, I hope to get into UT Knoxville. I want to go there for all four years. I'm not positive of my major yet. Something in Communications or English. I want to go into something along the lines of journalism. I want to get married. I want kids. I want a little girl. Or a little boy. I don't mind. Just along as its a kid. I want to be loved for the rest of my life. Thats all.
"I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night, thiking you might call me, if your dreams don't turn out right." I hope thats not what I'll be saying in a few years.