it'd be amazing if i just started writing here again without people knowing. well, i guess anyone that has diaryland would know. which would still kind of defeat the purpose. my stomach hurts. people on oprah go crazy over getting free stuff. if you send things into oprah, you have to send the c/o "team tg", no shit. which is hilarious because her studio is definitely in chicahhhgo. i wish jon and i were together. god my life would be so okay then. i believe it would be. fuck i wish my stomach would stop hurting. that's lame. because i have definitely been sick with random ailments all break. but no fever yet today. well, i guess i had one at SEVEN AM WHEN I FUCKING WOKE UP! seven am. can you believe that? but i talked to my heart for an hour and a half last night and it was so so so good. sometimes in my head i think up these ridiculous things like i'm secretly on some horrible reality show where jon really doesn't want to be broken up and if i live through the allotted period of times then i get proposed to. or that my christmas gift from him is him telling me that he wants me to be his girlfriend again. all things that i know aren't going to happen. in reality, i have this gut feeling that we will get back together. but it'll be one of those scenarios where we live our seperate lives not talking and moving away but secretly keeping track of one another through mutual friends and then somehow we're brought back together like me going to some random show of his at some venue in a town far away that i'm living in and then he remembers why he loved me in the first place and we get married. you know the kind of stories i'm talking about. the kind in chicken soup for the soul and shit. seriously, my stomach hurts in a frighteningly painful way. i don't know what i should do about this. i got a lot of letters from asking for them on livejournal. i think i got 6? that's badass. but then again, that's also 6 letters i have to write back. not that i really care. but still. my hand is weak. it starts to cramp after too long. it's quite pathetic for someone who wants to be a writer. i suppose that's why i write on these stupid sites rather than on paper. last year for christmas, jon gave me my journal. i use it from time to time but lately i just can't because since i started writing in it, it's mainly been about him. if i write now, i'm scared i'll start writing what i know to be the truth about us. and when you write things, it makes them so much more permanent. when they're just thoughts, they're not visible. they're not real. they're abstract. okay no more online time. i need to take care of this stomach situation. maybe i'm really just dying.

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