the boy is fast asleep and so i'm occupying my time listening to the rain beating outside (repercussions of the hurricane) and his breathing. i really can't think of anything else in this world i'd like to hear. except maybe the sound of my friends laughing. i miss that.
sometimes i get so caught between misery and happiness that my mind and heart can't function properly and i go into a sort of over-drive. it almost happened tonight. it's like my mind shorts and everything goes blank. i was talking to him about how i really hate the dorm situation because i feel like i'm just a default now: sara doesn't have to take the time to go hang out with me because i'm there by convienence. and i hate the way i don't talk to brandon unless we run into one another in a kitchen or hallway or my room. and i don't like saying these things because other than cocaine, i try to let everyone think everything is okay.
itsokayifitellmyselfthatrepeatrepeatrepeat.
i find myself looking around every once in a while, trying to take it all in. i try to capture e v e r y t h i n g in my mind because i guess this is pretty close to where i've been aiming at getting. and i have so many stories to tell.
(not so soothing noises coming from the outside.)
(or the inside.)
i started to watch rules of attraction tonight with jon. hahahaha. the dark room, the alcohol, beth sitting right there. and then not there. and then "stop." and "stop." and "stop." so long ago.
okay, well. come to jd's party next week and we'll "talk."
no. we won't "talk." we'll talk.
i want to go and see kristen.
i want to go and see annelise.
so many people that i love.
so many people i don't ever get to see.
its so unfair. i mean, there's the people i see everyday that i don't even know. the people walking past me on the sidewalk, the people in my classes, the people working in the cafeteria. same people. different day. i have no need to see these people. but i do i do i do. but i need to see annelise. and i need to see kristen. and i need to see carri. and i need to see the people in this world i love love love and instead i'm given the mediocracy of the people whose names i don't know.
i can't wait to go to boston over fall break, though i'm not sure why. i guess because its my first ever 100% self-planned independent trip: i stay with who i want to stay with. i see who i want to see. i do what i want to do. when i want to do it. with whom i want to do it with. and i see straylightrunhotrodcircuitnorthstarsayanythingohmygodmaxbemis10feetaway.
i have this story i keep trying to write but i never get past page 12. i just sit there and type and erase and type and erase and i never get past page 12.
i should be reading william faulkner instead of droning on.
what was i thinking? writing doesn't put me to sleep. it only gets my mind going.
sometimes i wish i could squeeze my eyes really tight and curl up and a ball and block out the sounds and breathe in and out and when i open my eyes, i find that i'm really still a fifteen year old girl living with my mom and not my uncle and she's in the other room cooking dinner, something like her spaghetti or chicken, and i'm watching roseanne or home improvement and doing my algebra I homework and there's no joanna or any boys and it's just my mom and i and sometimes she tells me a story about some kid that did some thing and i listen because the kids in these stories- the sophomores and juniors- are still so old to me. and we're just living there in that house just the two of us. and it's fall outside because thats how i always remember it.
squeezing my eyes...