I have spent close to twelve hours in the last 3 days copying & pasting entries, saving them onto my hard drive, and then loading them onto a disk. After that, I had to go back and delete all of entries. I guess I could have simply just locked my diaries, but I like knowing that from here on out, no one can go back and EVER read any of it. I like knowing that it�s all my own now. I am going to write this last one and leave it at that.
I stopped writing in here a few days ago with the hopes of actually writing my thoughts & feelings down. It didn�t work. I like being able to get out everything I�m feeling at that exact moment. I type a lot faster than I write. I can type at the speed that I think. So, while I am leaving both of my diaries, I imagine I will eventually be drawn back to Diaryland once again, and start another new diary. Only this time, I will learn to not tell anyone the address. Or make a profile. Or anything else that could somehow lead people to it.
You would think with all of the time I have spent sitting in front of my computer lately, that I would have some sort of notion as to what is going in my last entry, But I have no idea.
I changed so much throughout the 16 months that I kept up with my entries. When I first started it all, my closest friends were Bill, Garrett, Ginn, Joanna, and Casey. I was dating a girl. I was a Freshman. Then, I changed a little bit. That girl and I �broke up�. I started hanging out with Amy, Chaela, Sonya, Rob, Brad, Brian...the whole crew. I was having so much fun. I started dating Rob. Then, I started my Sophomore year. Rob & I broke up. I made the big mistake of starting to date Daniel. I hung out with Chad and Sonya and Daniel. Then Daniel & I broke up. I started doing more things with the soccer team. Then, soccer season was over. And I started hanging out with the �Secret Santa Girls�. I was back in our �clique�. Then, that changed. We all got sick of each other. I started hanging out with �Triple Threat�, Tre, and Haven. But I couldn�t do that for forever. So, that changed. And I started semi-hanging out with the �Movie Crew�. And I started dating Tanner. And Katie became my best friend. And then things started getting really bad at the end of the school year. I broke up with Tanner and stopped chilling with the Movie Crew. And I chilled with Katie a lot. Then, I hung out with Chaela again. Then I started dating Newbie. And Chaela was with Brandon. Fantastic Four. And that leads me up to now. I can sum up 16 months in a paragraph.
There are things I want to remember about myself when I look back at all of this. The things I want to remember about right now.
People that aren�t fake to me: Katie, Chaela, Newbie, Brandon, Sara, Danny, Brandon R.
People I don�t like: Joanna�s parents ((sorry Danny)), Mason, Jessie, Amy, Daniel, Ginn, Rebeka
Songs with memories: Glycerine - Bush, The Ballad � Millencolin, There Is � Boxcar Racer, I Remember � Stabbing Westward, The Good Fight � Dashboard, Damnit...Carousel...Reckless Abandon...Going Away to College...Untitled...M&Ms...Please Take Me Home...What Went Wrong � Blink, Thanks for Stayin� � Reggie, entire Jimmy Eat World c.d., Blister � J.E.W., Nightengale...Freakish...Shoulder to the Wheel � Saves the Day, I Need You � LeeAnn Rimes, Crawling in the Dark � Hoobastank, A Minute Without You � Hanson, 99 Red Balloons � Goldfinger, Hit or Miss � NFG, Water Runs Dry � Boys 2 Men, Man in the Mirror � Michael Jackson, Late Night Tip � Three Six Mafia, Ooops Oh My � Tweet, By The Way...Under the Bridge...Californication � R.H.C.P., San Dimas High School Football Rules � The Ataris, Seventeen � Tim McGraw, I�ll Be � Edwin McCain, I Turn to You � Christina Agularia, Satellite...Crash � Dave Matthews Band, Cold Day in July � Dixie Chicks, Cross Out the Eyes- Thursday, Postcards Home � Unsung Zeros, What�s Your Fantasy...Roll Out � Ludacris, You�ve Got it Bad � Usher, The World�s Greatest � R. Kelly, Like a Pill � Pink
Movies I could watch 100 times: Ferris Bueller�s Day Off, The Breakfast Club, Meet Joe Black, Beaches, Shrek, The American President, Cruel Intentions, American Pie, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, It Takes Two, Wizard of Oz, Se7en, Billy Madison, Look Who�s Talking, Big Daddy, Dennis the Menace, 9 to 5, Life As a House, The Goonies, Miss Congeniality, Ghost, SLC Punk, Kindergarden Cop, John Q, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Rainman, Double Double Toil and Trouble, Roger Rabbit
I wish I could say something to everyone, but I have already done that when I ended frizziefry. Besides, I�m not saying goodbye to the people, just to my diary.
There a lot of things that I wish I could go back and redo, and change. I wish I hadn�t ever gone out with a girl. I wish I hadn�t dated Daniel. I wish I hadn�t spent all year trying to be friends with people that I really knew I would never be true friends with. I wish that I hadn�t run track this year. I wish I had never started playing soccer in the first place because then I wouldn�t wish that I hadn�t quit. I wish that I would�ve maybe given dating Brandon a try. I wish that I followed through with every plan I made and kept every promise. I wish that I had never gotten drunk so I could tell people drinking is bad without sounding like a hypocrite. I wish that I was still close to Casey and Garrett. My first two best friends. I wish that I could�ve done something to have caused Amy to not change so much. I wish a lot. But if I went back and changed those things, I wouldn�t be sitting here right now. I am happy right where I am right now. Even if it did take a lot of fucking up and apologies to get here.
I am scared of going back to school. I don�t know why. I guess because I don�t know what�s going to happen. I mean, I won�t have soccer. I don�t know who I will chill with other than Katie, Sara, Holly, and Brandon AT school. I only have one class with Casey. I know I will have Chaela, Newbie, and Brandon after 2:30, but what if things change like they did last year? What if I�m left all alone yet again? What if I wind up spending my junior year trying to fit in with people I don�t want to chill with? I am scared of the what the future holds. But I think that�s okay because I guess, in some way or another, everyone is.
Diaryland causes a lot of crap. Some people need to steer away from places such as a-secret and just confront people with the secrets. People need to steer away from anonymously signing guestbooks and just be upfront and honest with people. It seems like Diaryland is just a way for people to indirectly bitch at and cause conflicts with other people. Now, granted, there are people that use it to actually express their feelings. That�s what I did. But that�s why I�m stopping this one. Because, since so many people read it, it has become nothing more than gossip.
I hope everyone has had a great 16 months. I hope everyone has had a great summer. And, I hope everyone has a great school year. I hope everyone that uses Diaryland eventually realizes that it�s a bunch of shit.
Most of all, I hope everyone knows that, in the end, it�ll all be okay.
�Goodbye, I�ll be fine.� � Jimmy Eat World