Okay--these are the thoughts that I've been thinking:
^Okay. Ever since I met Paulie and her GF in Atlanta...I've been thinking. *WHAT iF i'M gay?* That's so fucking scary! I don't want to be! I don't like it. I love the closeness, but I don't want to be labled. Judged. Condemned. And its a bad feeling to be so confused.
^Who are my friends? Really. Okay...here are the people that I want to be close to: Tabby, Katie, Sara, Holls, Danny, Ginn, Brandon,...? ARGH! I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions! And then, I hung out with the uh...'old crew'. HOLY FUCKiNG SHiT!! Talk about deja-vu!! And then...I found what it was last summer that made me start liking Rob. And I just cannot feel that shit again. But there were some awkward pauses. And looks...
^Why am I so shallow? Why can't I let myself go? Why can't I push the word "popularity" out of my head???? Why can't I let myself go? Like who I want to like and be who I want to be? WTF is my problem? I mean, God knows I'm already fucking different from them and I'm separate from them. So what is my problem? What am I doing to myself?
^Why do people always lie? I read Katie's diary the other night (she doesn't know that I did...) and here's something she said:
"WTF is Rachel's problem? I swear she's such a bitch! Everyone thinks she's fucking bipolar...I agree."
I'm trying not to be mad about that because I know that if I didn't want to hear it, I shouldn't have read the damn thing. Shit shit shit.
^Why do I always get close to people that leave me?? Always.
^If my brother hadn't died...he'd be Coach Dager's age. 24. I wish I had known him better. He was the same age I am the last summer he lived.
^Why does Clarksville *suck*?
^It really pisses me off when I start hanging out with people and then they try to do everything I do. Like, they start to talk like me, say MY sayings, and fucking listen to *my* damn music!! I am trying to be an individual and its hard to do that when people are trying to be like you.
^Why can't Travis love me back???? I hope Blink doesn't break up. Even if Boxcar does kick some @ss.