*from brandon*
rachel-
can we talk before you leave? we both know that word always gets around, and i understand your decisions and your right to make them, but i feel like entirely too much is being left unsaid. and can you really 'decide' things like that?
what's the line? something like: "affairs of the heart don't belong in the head"?
anyhow, i'd at least like to see you before you leave, but it's your call. i'll be home.
-brandon
*to brandon*
What did you hear I have "decided" because so far, I still haven't "decided" crap. Maybe word gets around but it's not always the right word.
Trust me. I am a pro at that.
We have a lot to talk about. Your note for instance. You said that us being just friends hasn't involved the friends issue. Point well taken and yes, you are right. But a relationship is a jump or two up from that. See, I don't think you understand my "friends" situation.
You have Patrick and...Nik. And I am not saying that's like, a character flaw or anything. You just like small groups better than big ones. And you don't have all the friends you had back in middle school. And you'd rather have a few close good friends than a lot of pretty good friends.
I like big groups (i.e. "Movie Night @ Tanner's" or "Zach's Basement Night"), I have too many friends to name right now, I kept all of my friends from middle school, and although I enjoy have my very very good friends, I like all the people that I am just pretty good friends with.
They all take up a lot of my time. Along with school, track, soccer, and family time. Oh, and I can't forget the time that I like to spend ALONE, whether it's online or up in my room watching a movie, or if it's going through the crap in the bottom of my closet or whatever the hell is there is to do alone. I like that time.
So, now tell me, how can I fit in time for a relationship with someone that doen't share the same friends as I? Or someone that isn't involved in the same things as I am?
Now, don't get me wrong, I love spending time with you. And *IF* we did have the same circle of friends and same after-school activities, I could see a definite future for us. But we don't. Which is the major point I have been making for a while here.
But I am not going to lie and say that your letter didn't spark any feelings. You're really sweet and almost my "perfect guy". Lacking a couple of the essential qualities one like me looks for, however.
This sounds corny, and as much as I bitch and complain about track you'd find it hard to believe, but athletics are really important to me. Now granted, I won't play past my senior year, but for now they're a big part of me. And I know I can't ever go out and run with you. Or drag you out to a soccer game and now that you're having fun. I feel bad now talking about the 400's or 800's with you. You just won't ever get it in the full.
And the friends thing pops up again.
And then there is the history of what you did to me in the past. I know you have changed SO much from middle school, but what about what you did to Katherine/Catherine...? You have a record of breaking hearts.
But you're sweeter than any guy I have ever known. And I have fun with you.
So now, as Mrs. Bedell would put it, you see my "internal conflict" that has been going on. We might not be anything more than friends right now, so you may think I am thinking this over WAY to hard. But the next relationship I get in, well...I'll just say that I am not prepared to have another relationship where I'd rather chew on rocks than hanging out with that person (Daniel), I am not ready to get into another disappointment of a relaionship (Rob), and I am also not ready for another heartbreak.
*note:* i didn't have time to spell check. sorry.
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And I guess that's that.
I have been reading a really good book. It's called "Feeling Sorry for Celia". I makes me want a penpal. So thats what I am trying to do. Find a penpal.