i would've thought everything would be better by now. but nope. not at all. things are just getting worse and worse. everytime she calls, i expect to hear something like "i miss you" or "i'm ready to keep on going with our relationship". but noooooooo. its always "i'm going out with _______" or "today i did _______". and she thinks that i don't know she has it rough. believe me, i know. and i'm so sorry that i caused all of this. and the last thing i'm being is selfish. she just doesn't understand how everything reminds me of her. and how she's all i ever think about. when she came over last night all i did was cry about how i missed her. i was hoping it would show her how much i truely love her. but all she did was yell at me about how frustrated that that makes her and how she has 100 other things going on in her life other than me. i know she loves me, but i don't think she loves me THAT way anymore. i know i love her THAT way. i read garrett's entry about how you know you love someone and that totally qualitifes with me. i don't see why if she loves me, she has to push me away when everything is going wrong, rather than keep me close. oh! and i asked her this. it just made her more mad.

i think i need to explain something to everyone. she didn't break up with me. there is just a lot going on with her and other people (no names) and she told me she needed time to think things over and by the end of the week, she'll let me know if she wants to make things work or not. i hope she knows that i want things to works so very badly. i will do anything she asks of me. i will never fight with her again. i will do absolutly anything. if she asked me to kill myself for her, i would. i miss her.

see, a lot of you guys think that 2 girls being in a relationship is one of two things. #1. its completely disgusting & against the bible. #2. its cool and you want me to video tape something. but its a very NORMAL relationship. well...not normal...its a lot harder than normal relationships. we have a lot of shit to put up with. like family and people like...well...a lot of you guys.

but thats not the point of this. the point is i miss joanna and i pray that she won't give up. i want this to go on for forever. i know i'm pathetic, begging for this. but i don't care. i will be pathetic times 10000000000000000000000000 if it will get her back.

*there are 2 more things i have to say...first, joanna, i wrote you that email, but not for this diary entry. the one before this one is for you. second of all, this next part is for bill...*

BILL...i can't believe that entry of yours was written by Mr. Bill-who-is-supposed-to-be-a-very-caring-friend-and-not-be-incredibly-rude-to-them-and-support-them-no-matter-what!!!!!!! gee...please excuse the fact that some of us aren't on some big "lets be bff's with the bishop and every priest in the world" conference and we tend to think that we have problems! geeze!! you didn't have go write some modern-day parable about how we should value our lives because some guy you've met once lived in a jungle & got stabbed. that's like our parents telling us to not throw away food because kids in Ethiopia are starving as if somehow magically by us not throwing away our food, those kids' stomachs are going to get filled. big deal that that guy had it rough. but that doesn't mean we don't. we just have it rough in a different way. and you should care. because although we don't dress in black outfits with white collars and pray the Rosary (sp?) everyday, we're still you're friends. and don't forget, you're not staying up there for forever. when you come back, odds are, we'll all still be here for you. so i think you should be here for us, no matter where you are.

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