2001-07-27 - 10:53 p.m.
This one isn't going to be long. This diary is for me. But if anyone else happens to read it, that's okay by me. I just don't want people I know ((except Jess)) reading it. And maybe one day I'll let Joanna read it. My old was was frizziefry.diaryland.com, but I had problems with that one. So I gave it up. This is for me. And only me.
2001-07-28 - 12:28 a.m.
You know what? I think life really sucks. I mean, you are all happy & then *BAM*, something crappy happens. And it takes you a while to get back on your feet. And then you're all happy again, and then the whole thing starts over again. Sometimes, its years before something bad happens...sometimes its hours. Either way, it is a horrible place to be and a horrible feeling to feel.
I was really upset this morning when I found out Joanna got her tounge peirced. For 2 reasons. Number one, she PROMISED me she would get it done with me the day I got my braces off. Number two, she only did it to prove to everyone she's a "big girl now". So after a while of arguing over it, I became semi-okay with it. All was great. Then she tells me she's going to get her eyebrow pierced. Damnit. I really hate this whole "rebeling" thing she's going through. Again, for 2 reasons. First of all, she's not doing all of this for herself. She's doing it to prove something to someone. Secondly, its all stuff I want done but I'm only 15. See? Another flaw of life. Its impossible to be the right age. You wish to be older, and then all too quickly, you're too old and your hobbies include knitting and watching the cars drive by. You wish to stay young forever and for about 3 years, you're stuck between your friends that are older. You can't drink...you can't smoke. Hell, you can't even legally get your ear pierced. Yeah...things need to just get easier. The hippies always said "Give peace a chance..." Well, when those hippies find a way to give everyone a way to live life equally and fairly, I'll bet there will be a shitload of people up & ready to give peace a chance.
2001-07-28 - 10:28 a.m.
When things don't suck, things are weird. Last night, I'll admit, I was reaLLy mad about the whole piercing thing. But now, I don't know. In a way, I guess I'm just jealous. I mean, those are both things that I want to have done. But I can't. I'm too young. So my objective for the day is to convince my mom to allow be to get one. I already convinced her on the tounge, but I'll get in *dEEp* shit with Dr. Blackman if I go in there on Septemebr 6th with a tounge piercing. So I'll probably have to wait until Christmas to get that done. Which sucks because in the meantime, my 18 year old girlfriend who is going to college soon, which already makes me feel like a 6 year old, has gotten her eyebrow and tounge pierced. So now I feel like a 4 year old because I can't...legally...get either one of those done. And even if my mom says okay, will I want to? Because I don't want to look like a "copy-cat". ((as long as I feel like I'm 4, I can talk like it, too))
Last night I emailed Chip and told him what's been up lately. Which I don't understand why I pick him to confide in. I hardly ever see him, and even when I do, its only for 1 weekend out of the year. Other then that, I only talk to him like...twice throughout the year. But I'm hoping that things will be different this year. I don't really expect him to even care about what I said. I told him a lot more then I think one is supposed to tell someone with not so close relations. And he IS graduating soon. From college. Why do I get close...or try to...with people that I will never be able to be near to them in age? Well, when I'm 40 I will, but thats a long time from now.
Well, I guess I'm going to go try to get these damn butterflies out of my stomach. I talked to Joanna last night and it was a good, normal conversation. The kind that ends in "I need you, I want you, I like you, and I love you." Yeah and she told me her car gets out of the shop on Sunday so things will be semi-normal. And I got happy. Then I looked at my watch and realized that today is only Saturday. 2 more days of being lonely and contemplating how to convince my mom, saftey freak of America, to let me get something pierced. She'll probably give me a Biology lesson on the nerevs and how I could damage them. Oh well. I'll be going then.
OH!! And I'm not sure if I put this in my last enrty, but my mom let me drive *all by myself* and it gave me this great since of freedom. I think that October is a while away. I want my freedom now.
2001-07-28 - 6:00 p.m.
I succeeded. I got my eyebrow piereced. I'm high off of life. I told you. Life can change so quickly. Everything is fine and dandy. That's why suicide is a bad idea. You might think that it is what you want, but in 15 hours, you could be on top of the world. I'll talk more later. Right now, I'm watching the Family Man with Jess. Life is dandy.
2001-07-30 - 11:52 p.m.
Well, I have a lot to chit-chat about but I'm really tired so I might just start going off about random things. *SiGH*
So, yesterday Joanna and I went to Nashville for a nice relaxing day together to go shopping. But when we got there, the radiator busted. And the guy at Firestone couldn't fix it until the morning, so we had to stay there. We got a room at the Ramada Inn ((room 513---for memory's sake...)) in the MIDDLE of downtown Nashville. It was pretty cool except that we didn't even sleep in the same bed because she went to sleep at fucking 8:15. I was pissed. But it was okay. Just to be with her was good enough for me. We went to eat dinner at the Spaghetti Factory. I felt like I was on the 'Real World' because we had to rely on our feet to take us places.
So, today after the guys fixed our car...well...actually it was my mom's car, but whatever, we went shopping at Cool Springs. I'm now broke. But hopefully I'll squeeze a little bit more out of one or both of my parents. Hehe.
Other stuff...um...I talked to Brandon the other night. It was really cool. I mean, when someone gives you a compliment, you always want to appreciate it. But when someone that pretty much is pissed at the world give you a compliment, you really appreciate it. He told me I was cool and that he would like to be friends. Here is what he said in his diary:
title: rachel
"i talked to her for a little while last night online, and i am hoping that we may become friends. she seems sweet and intelligent and nice, all great traits to possess, but i also know about her two-faced conniving bratty side. i'm definitely a fan of giving people the shadow of a doubt until they prove otherwise, so i'm going to see what develops there."
I understand why he said the whole "bratty" side. I mean, he has heard things from Garrett. And the word BRAT is directly form Garrett. So all is good. I want as many friends as I can have.
Speaking of having as many friends as possible, Bill came over tonight and we reconciled as I was hoping we would. Things were different, but I'm a lot different since he left. I'm a lot different since this summer started. Its cool. I think I'm starting to like it. My life, that is.
I think all is going pretty well with Joanna. We seem to have gotten over 90% of the bad, rough stuff. I hope from here on in its easy. And if not, I'll take a deep breath, bite my tounge, and go along for the ride for what it is worth.
My house smells like marshmallow fluff so I'm going to go to bed. Because I can't tell if my house really smells like that or if I'm so tired that I'm imagining it.
2001-07-31 - 12:27 a.m.
I just got off. I was so happy. I just got off to call my baby. And here is the conversation:
R: Hey!
J: Hey.
R: Where are you?
J: Mere's.
R: Oh, I thought you were staying at Nicky's.
J: We're going there now. I have to go.
R: Why?
J: I just do.
R: Why can't you just talk to me?
J: I have to go.
R: I thought cell phones were moble.
J: They are. I have to go, bye.
R: No wait! Talk to me.
J: What do you want to talk about?????
R: What the hell did I do to you?
J: Nothing, I just have to go.
R: Why are you talking to me like I'm a piece of shit?
J: I'm not, I just have to go. I'll call you later.
R: NO!
J: I have to go, bye...I'll call you later.
R: Fuck you.
She used to be here every night. Not wandering around. And the very few times she is with me, she is fucking asleep by 12!!! And she lies. And she lies. And she lies.My house still smells like marshmallows.
2001-07-31 - 10:44 a.m.
I'm waiting for a call. I'm not going to call her. If she loves me, she'll call me. I'm tired of being the only one in this relationship. Please call.
2001-07-31 - 11:11 a.m.
I'm just waiting.
And its hard to just wait.
I tried to call.
No one picked up.
I don't know the difference between the truth and the lies.
I don't think that is good in a relationship.
All her time used to be spent over here with us kissing and laughing and having fun.
Now she isn't ever here.
And when she is, she is sleeping.
But she can stay out to 4 and get drunk with all of her OTHER friends.
I guess I'm not important anymore.
She doesn't talk to me like she used to.
She never has sweet names for me anymore.
She doesn't buy me Milk Duds, or Gummie Bears, or roses.
She doesn't even use the word 'baby'.
She hasn't kissed me in a long time.
She doesn't eat dinner over here anymore.
I don't even know her.
She is totally different.
And she still lives here.
What about when she goes to college?
What do I want?
What do I think is going to happen?
All I want is my Joanna back.
I want her to tell me nothing but the truth.
She used to call to tell me her plans.
Now she goes off and gets things pierced without so much as telling me.
Life is confusing.
Life sucks.
I miss her.
I want to know about her.
But I can't know about her when I don't even know her.
When did the lies start?
Maybe they're not lies.
Maybe they're untruths.
Is there a difference?
Well, untruths sounds less harsh.
Garrett asked which I cared about more: the relationship or my pride.
So should I call her?
Why can't I know which she cares about more?
When will she just end it?
I think I would rather have this over with than to be up at night crying & worrying.
Worrying & crying.
Why can't things be okay?
Why does everything always have to suck?
I want her love.
The real love.
Not something that she is just pretending.
We don't even hold hands in the car anymore.
And its sad that I have to get excited when she tells me she loves me.
Because that should be something common in our relationship.
But I'm the only one that ever says it.
So am I the only one that feels it?
Has she kissed any boys lately?
Does she have feelings for someone else?
When will she tell me how she feels?
Why can't everything just be fucking okay?
Why can't I have the feeling of love like I used to?
Why doesn't she want to spend time with me anymore?
Why does she always look for an excuse to not hang out over here?
Why can't she love me?
Why doens't she whisper sweet things in my ears?
Why is everything a secret?
Why doesn't she want to touch me?
Am I just too young?
Is it because I'm a girl?
Does she just not love me?
I want to know the truth.
I'm waiting for her call.
2001-07-31 - 2:41 p.m.okay okay okayJoanna is coming over in about an hour. Time to straighten things out. Be awaiting an update.
2001-08-01 - 12:19 a.m.
I just got back form Planet of the Apes. I would really suggest that people go see it. It was actually good. I thought I was going to hate it.
Well, Joanna called to tell me she would be over at 5, apparently forgetting that I have soccer from 5:30-7:30. So she said she'd pick me up and we could hang out...and that I should think of something to do. Welllll...when she pulled up...MEREDITH was in the car. I didn't know that best friends are now included in the "we". Someone should have informed me of that. And did I get to do what I had picked for us to do? NO! I got sucked into The Planet Of The Damn Apes. But I don't care...kinda'. I just wanted to see my baby. And I did. And so I'm happy. And we for sure are going to hang out...just the 2 of us...on Friday night. And if she breaks her plans, I'll kill her. See? Easy as 1-2-3.
I'm going to pray tonight. Really hard. I'm going to pray that Joanna still loves me. And that she will forever. And that everything will work itself out and that all will be good between the two of us. Forever. And we can fight, but I just want to, after the fight, say we love each other, and mean it. So, I'm off to pray. And then sleep. And then wake up to another day of nothingness and worrying and crying and being frustrated. But maybe my prayers will be answered.
2001-08-01 - 12:08 p.m.
I forgot to pray. And not that I thought it would work, but the effects are showing. I like to blame this stuff on something. So I'm blaming it on my forgetfulness. Blaming it all on myself.
Joanna called this morning and told me she had the day off. The first thing that came to mind: "YAY! A day with Joanna!!" and then the seond thing: "Just wait 2 seconds for the disappointment line..." And there it was, right on cue: "I'm going to hang out with Nicky but MAYBE I'll come over." What the flying FUCK is maybe? Gee...maybe if I'm lucky my girlfriend will want to see me!!
I took everythng for granted and that is my fault. I wish I could take it all back--redo absolutly every little thing--and treat her like a princess all the way through. I'm positive this is all my fault. Every bit of it.
Chain #1: If it hadn't been for me, her mom wouldn't have gone so crazy and Joanna would still be living at home.
Chain #2: If I had treated her like I should have 100% of the time, she would like being here and I would probably be in her arms right now.
See? I had total control. And I blew it. No surprise there. I'm used to fucking everything up. But why now? Why did I have to ruin the one good thing in my life?
2001-08-02 - 10:57 a.m.
I just got done reading someone's diary and it really made me mad. I guess I just should have stopped reading. treysbaby69.diaryland.com. Yeah. She complained and complained and complained about her life because it was so hard. Oh blah. All she ever talks about is softball, which she apparently sucks at, and her baby Trey and all of their sexual adventures. Yeah...
So yesterday I baked cupcakes and Amy came over. I was really cool. I guess because we hadn't hung out in *so* long, but it was still a lot of fun. We have so much in common, but I think that that is funny because the things we have in common now are totally different from the things we USED to have in common. Like we both LOVE Blink 182, and the people we hang out with are all people that are different because we've both gotten sick of the punks in our class. So, she came over and we went around taking pictures of random people. Good times.
And then I had to go home because I had practice, but when I came home, my mom like, wanted to have a bonding time, but shit. I was tired and just wanted to watch some damn t.v. So she got all huffy-puffy and went upstairs. And then Shannon came over with Chad and my mom bitched at me in front of them. THEN Amy and Chaela came over to pick me up, and we left. But we had only been gone for 3 minutes and I decided to stay the night at Chaela's, so I had to go home to get my stuff. When I asked my mom if I could, she got all rude and was like "IIIIIII don't know about that one..." So she made me go upstairs and talk to her because I guess she thinks that they're into drugs or something. But they haven't done that crap in a long time, so that really really pissed me off. But I got to go anyway.
So we went to Wal-Mart to meet Brian and a couple of other people that only knew from Joey and school. I felt like I didn't fit in. But you know, whatever. And we left to go to this guy, Rob's house. I swear, if I didn't know Joanna and I was about 2 years older, I would so try to hook up with Rob. He is so quiet, but I don't know. There is just SOMETHING about him. Something different. But I love Joanna. Even though, I must admit, I was a little jealous last night when, although they were joking, Amy and Brian kept calling each other snickernoodle and snugglebear. But whatever.
I should be happy. Joanna called yesterday JUST to tell me she loved me. She used to do that a lot, but I'm not complaining. She did it yesterday and that made me happy enough. And she told me we were going out tonight, so I'm excitied about that, too. I just hope the plans don't change. I think I'll be pretty upset.
Well, I'm off to go finish getting ready. AMy is coming to get me at 2 so we can go to the mall to get something. *Joanna just called and we talked...it was great...we have plans for sure for sure* Well, write later.
2001-08-02 - 4:37 p.m.
What did I do to anyone? That's all I'm asking. Why can't everything be normal? I hate Joanna. No, wait, I take that back. I hate they way Joanna is. I hate the way my mom is. I hate the way life is. I hate.
I'm sick of always hearing
all the sad songs on the radio
all day it is there to remind
an oversensitive guy
that he's lost and alone yeah
I hate our favorite restaurant
our favorite movie
our favorite show
we would stay up all through the night
we would laugh and get high
and never answer the phone
(Chorus)
I can't forgive
can't forget
can't give in
what went wrong
'cause you said this was right
you fucked up my life
(Verse 2)
I'm sick of always hearing
sappy love songs on the radio
this place, it's fuckin' cursed and it's plagued
and i can never escape
when my heartache explodes
Repeat Chorus)
I'm kicking out fiercly
at the world around me
what went wrong
I'm kicking
2001-08-03 - 12:02 a.m.
Its sickening to even write in here anymore. I have nothing to say. And when you have nothing to say to even your self, its pitiful. Sure Joanna came over. She left. I cried. She hated. I loved. She said I need to get life. She said I need to get a life because I said she's my life. She said I don't respect her space. I try. She says she thinks it can work. I don't know if I want it to. I want everything to be okay and I think that won't ever happen. Because she always wants to be away. And I always want her here. And when it ends, that will only make things okay for her. My life will be over when this relationship is over. Nothing left. I want to be someone with no worries. I want to be someone everyone likes. I want to be a gummie bear.