well, a lot...A VERY VERY LOT...has been happening to me in the last 3 weeks. i mean, i don't know how to explain it. it all started with the fucking rumor. i must admit that i didn't think twice about the damn thing. i mean, you just cannot let things get to you like that while in high school. its not a good thing to let people know that they bothered you. it makes them the winners.
but it bothered tabby. she said things were different. WHAT THE *FUCK* is different? the only thing thats different is the fact that she blew it all up too much. the fact that she started turning it into more than what it was. she started letting amy win. she still is letting amy win.
anyways, so around then i started having this really empty feeling. and it hasn't gone away at all. i thought "oh, after the weekend, it'll all be over." but it didn't stop. i don't care about a damn thing. i feel like i have been walking towards this hole for a long time without realizing it and all of the sudden, one day i fell right into it. and i can't stop falling.
its like i could just go away, not die or anything morbid, just go away, and i don't think i would be missed. my mom would miss me, but shit. shes got "her man". katie would miss me. tabby...well...she'd miss me, but yeah. "things are different". um...my dad would miss me. jess would miss me. and sadly, thats it.
i like that guy but that just won't do.
i also hate getting attached to people to find out that i was closer to them than they ever thought they were to me. it hurts. i will NOT let it ever happen again. but nonetheless, it is happening damnit. and thats awful.
that hole, instead of growing smaller and smaller, it grows bigger and bigger each day. and theres only so much emptiness a person can take.
sometimes, as much as i know i can tell my friends, i can't explain the magnitude of how i feel. it hurts a lot. but i just smile and laugh and ride around and listen to the minute song and make my grades and write in my fucking journal and when mrs. bedell asks how i am doing, i just look down and say okay or good and i keep on going and pretending and not saying a word.