it wasnt supposed to be like this. but this, too, is my own fault, so i cant really whine. so i wont whine. i will just write here and suck it up and if you dont want to read it, dont.

(before reading, one should note this: i know i have friends. dont feel offended. this is just my current feelings. i am hurting from everything.)

this is my last night in clarksville for as long as i can handle. i dont plan on coming back as often as i say. i lie. i dont plan on coming home often, and if i do, it will be brief. i dont plan on coming and visiting. i plan on living else where. and, with any luck, i plan on soon leaving this state. i plan on looking for ways out as soon as i can get an internet at school. believe it or not, i am going to get so far ahead of the people here that they will feel sorry for kicking me out of their school a year early.

but it wasnt supposed to be like this. not my last night. not my last week. not like this. people were supposed to see me. people were supposed to laugh at the memories from middle school. people were supposed to talk about people and catch me up on the last bit of drama and high school humor. people were supposed to be there tomorrow when i leave. but thats not reality.

thats a movie.

because although the bad points of my life can be straight out of hollywood, i cant have the good. not right now, anyways. maybe one day, but saying that instills hope. and that, friend, is something i am fresh out of.

so instead, my mom and i are going early and i will not be back for a while. and maybe people will be like "man. rachel should be here." because, believe it or not, i was there for everything for years. and now i am not. and i dont regret that. i just regret that this is how i am leaving.

it wasnt supposed to be like this.

i remember saying about 4 weeks ago that i was going to put the title to my entry on my last day as "if i stay here, i'll be dying forever." which is 10x more humorous now because well, lets look at the title of said song: rocket city. ah. it wasnt supposed to be like this. not this week.

this week was supposed to be different. i wasnt supposed to cry every day. i wasnt supposed to ignore the fact that i am getting ready to go to college simply because i have other things on my mind. moving was supposed to be the biggest thing. not a random slur of thoughts, memories, words, phrases, and tears. tears wont stop covering my sight.

i wasnt supposed to spend my last night in clarksville hunting down brandon just to find out hes in gatlinburg. and i wasnt supposed to go to amy's to see her apartment. not her. not the one that hurt me the most throughout high school. those things may be in the past and we may be great now. she seems different. shes not the one i grew up with, but shes alright. but i wasnt supposed to be there on my last night. she wasnt supposed to be one of the only ones to say bye to me today. her. someone i havent even been friends with for almost 2 years. not her.

i wasnt supposed to say goodbye through tears on people's voicemailboxes. not that way. i wasnt supposed to tell katie bye while shes riding with taylor, drinking. and not to jonathan while hes at the rodeo. i wasnt supposed to say bye to wes through the phone. which didnt even work for me because i found out thats not his number any more. i wasnt supposed to tell newbie, the person i used to say i was in love with, bye through tears on a voicemail. although everything today is tear stained.

people were supposed to be here to give me a hug. my friends werent here. the people who have meant the most to me since i started high school are all elsewhere, oblivious to the fact that i am soon not to live here.

everyone is gone. even the people i have. they are gone. the people i have today, are gone. they live distantly. or they just feel that way. they seem too busy to realize how i feel.

how everything in my world is crashing right now. nothing is steady. everything is smeared. lines are blurry. i dont know whats right and whats left. i dont know who is who. everyone is just a bunch of bodies in a room at a party in a random house. i feel like i am that girl with a cup of alcohol in her hands in the center of a room. no one can see her although shes standing right there, so intoxicated she can hardly stand. but no one notices this. they are having fun. they are all alright. they are all in tune to themselves. their cups arent empty yet. they are still on their first drinks; not the fifth of sixth.

i am that girl.

it wasnt supposed to be like this.

from the stress of last weekend (and words that have yet to be spoken. words that probably wont ever be spoken), to events from today, to thoughts of tomorrow, to things of the past, the present, and whatever future there may be, i am ready to collapse.

but i just fall. no arms are here.

when did this happen? because, as i recollect, it wasnt supposed to be like this. in the movies, friends all gather together for their last night. they all pack each others cars and hug and kiss goodbye. they all cry together. but i have spent tonight driving aimlessly, not even on the roads that matter, just the main ones, listening to the songs of the summer, feeling as though hope cant possibly exist. i talk to people. then i feel better. then i get down again. i remember something. anything. usually everything.

what happened to the best parts of summer? (ie. see 'things i will remember of this summer.' MME.) all i know is, it wasnt supposed to be like this. nothing was supposed to be like this. this wasnt in the instructional pamphlets welcoming me to college. this isnt in hollywoods scripts. this is not the time of my life. if this is, someone stop me now.

so, tell me, whats a good title for this one? we dont want anything too cliche. no vitamin C lyrics. nothing obvious.

i will end it cliche, anyways. lyrics finish it. always. just remember that it wasnt supposed to be goodbye like this.

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