these are the things im probably going to tell annelise while she is here, before we got to hottlanta. you and i never get time to sit and talk. but these are the parts of my life that have made me out to be who i am. i dont know how long this email is going to be, but its now 10:50. lets see how long it takes me to reveal this to you. (a lot of this is just random tidbits about things that happened with no relevance to much...this is how the timeline of my life works.)

i have already told you about my brother, so i can skip that part. when i was in fifth grade, my dad told me on the way home from my friend's house that him and my mom were getting separated. it wasnt a big deal to me because this was at the point where everyone's parents were getting divorced. i cried like any kid would, but i actually got over it really quickly. i found out a few years ago this occured mainly because my dad cheated on my mom with my now stepmom.

when i got into middle school, i instanteously become the popular girl of my class. (hard to believe, i know.) i wore the nicest clothes, i hung out with the hott boys, and i got to play spin the bottle before everyone else. this was back in the day where making out made you a slut. man. who knew life changed so much?

in seventh grade, i made out with my friend jonathan. this was my first boy to make out with. i have a crazy memory and this is something i remember quite well. we were defying all rules our parents had ever laid out before us. "under the bridge" by the red hot chili peppers was playing over and over again on repeat. we were in the dark at some girl's house, a friend of ours, with her and her boyfriend going at it on the couch next to us. i remember this night/weekend so well because this is a perfect representation of who i was to become. this happened on a friday night. however, despite the fact that we were both high on our hormones/puberty stage, rather than 'necking' and making out like our friends next to us, we mainly layed there hugging and talking about randomness. jonathan and i still joke about this. we talked about who of our friends would be who if our lives were dawson's creek. we talked about what would happen if his dad really did get a job transfer out of state and how our friendship would work out. the next night, we all went bowling and i had fallen head over heels (as much as a 13 year old girl can) for him. i made my first fucking mixtape comprised of a lot of randomness, but the first and last songs being under the bridge. on the outside of the tape, i had written something like "will you go out me?" this was my first shot at putting myself out there and getting shot down. also in 7th grade, i met my best friend casey. we were in seperable...every weekend was spent with one another. just remember this. this comes up later on.

8th grade was my year of brandon. (yes, the same brandon who was at northstar with me and who visits me constantly and tells me how hes in love with me.) we started "going out" in october and didnt break up until april or may--a record for 13/14 year olds. however, when he broke up with me, he changed me. despite the young age, this had a huge impact on me. i guess this is when i started my emo thing. i started listening to modest mouse...haha. and adam's song was constantly on repeat for a few months. it was actually pretty bad. when he broke up with me, rumors flew as they do in middle/high school and i wound up one afternoon in the guidance counselor's office because she had heard a rumor that i had contemplated suicide. even at this age, all i could think was "how fucking dumb can you be? this is MIDDLE SCHOOL." however, i didnt say that. i just said "no." and she had to call my mom.

this lead me into summer. summer before high school and i was all alone. i would stay up until 2 or 3am on the computer (who would have thought), listening to the saddest songs i could find, and have to be up at 7 for soccer practice. my mom told me a few months after that she would lie awake at night at these times crying, fearing that i would do something to harm myself. she tried a lot of times to get me to go talk to someone about this. she wanted to jack me up on prozac or something. i wasnt having it. however, i did start to cut myself quite frequently. i kept a razor in a music box my dad had given me (how cliche) and when i got sad, i pulled it out and cut, often on or near my wrists, which is why i think i have my fear of people touching my wrists.

as i said, i also had to wake up at 7am and go to soccer practice. (this is where the story gets hectic. bear with me. i am putting a lot of faith and trust in you.) this is where i met most of my friends that i would have this year, aside from casey and the 'clique' of my class. yes...i was still one of the popular ones. i felt on top of the world: i was hanging out with the seniors. i became especially good friends with a girl named joanna. she was the best on our team and she became my running partner that summer because thats all i was actually good at: running. we talked often times and got competitve near the ends of our runs. we became quick friend despite the age difference. this made me feel beyond special. joanna was THE most popular girl in school. she wound up being voted 'typical senior', 'most athletic', 'most spirited', and 'most fun to be with' all in one year. we started hanging out every weekend. but. at some point (okay its been a LONG time since i have told this story.) things changed. on the night of october 5th, 2001, jo and i were on the phone and the song 'i want you' by 3eb was playing and i was unconsciously singing along: "you do you do you do youre making me want you..." this had been brandon and i's song, so i knew the words well. she replied with 'you want me?' and it made a little more sense. i said yes. we went back and forth about our seriousness, not believing one another throughout that night and again at practice the next day.

the next day was homecoming, which i didnt go to, then my birthday, and so on. days went by and i thought it had been a dream. soccer was getting to district matches and we were focusing on that. joanna wound up tearing her hip on that following wednesday and having to be put in a wheelchair. i went to her house that friday and sat with her and we hung out, still no words being spoken. that night, after all of our other friends who had come to visit had either left or fallen asleep, at 2:22, we were wacthing looney toones, and somehow, kissed. we fell asleep and left it alone. i woke up confused.

we talked about it over the course of the week and, to summarize it, i guess you could say that as of october 13th, 2001, joanna and i started 'dating'. we werent going to tell a soul. living in the bible belt and being unsure of your life and being the most popular senior girl with the most popular freshman girl does not go over well. she kept dating boys and making out with them, among other things, and breaking my heart, but justifying it by saying it was a coverup.

in december, one night, i was calling casey and i heard a dialtone in the other room. i went in to my moms room and found a telephone recorder. my mom had been taping my phone conversations. she knew everything. we had a hardcore talk that night and my mom, though i hated her, was okay with things. or so she said. she really wasnt and it took her a long time to get to an okay point. a long time. but i think she knew i was all she had left. she made my life hell off and on all year and i will never ever trust her again after that. but she kept our secret.

in february, i told casey and my friend garrett and jo told her best friends. things were perfect. well. you know. as perfect as they can be for a 15 year old girl questioning her sexuality. in may, things got harder. school was ending and things like prom and graduation were starting. thats when i started diaryland. (http://charliemo.diaryland.com/030218_43.html) i told only casey about the address. i trusted her with everything. she had been my best friend since 7th grade and i figured it would be like that forever.

however, i was wrong. we got into some pety fight one summer night and she told her boyfriend about the site. he read it and passed the link on to his friends and older brother, who was about to be a senior. they were all popular kids, too. within a matter of days, almost everyone in clarksville knew. and i am not exaggerating. my entire soccer team, coaches, every friend, every teacher, my family, every parent. (http://charliemo.diaryland.com/life.html) my life was over. my very best friend had told everyone. but i still had joanna.

theres one thing i should have told you about jo's life, though. she didnt have it easy. her home life was, and still is, rough. her mom is the most physco woman i have ever met in my lifetime. she is a drunk. she is a violent drunk. and she found out and told us we were never to see each other again. but we did anyways. one night, we were at joanna's cousin's house and her mom pulled up, stumbled out of the car drunkenly, and, to make a long story short, wound up calling us both dykes so the whole neighborhood could hear, tore down joanna's cousin's door, and slapped both of us. a lot more happened that night, but the details i could go into would take a lifetime to tell.

joanna wound up rolling X and cheating on me several times. we broke up before she went to college in august.

i was entirely friendless and alone. i started hanging out with old friends again, those who didnt abandon me, anyways. my friend amy rekindled our differences (she was the girl whose house i had been at the day my day told me my parents were splitting up.). amy and i had been childhood friends and had lost contact with high school. this was a 2nd chance. we started hanging out in the "clarksville scene", which was just getting started at this point. i started listening to my music. saves the day, reggie, the ataris, get up kids. old school. i started dating a nice boy named rob and felt okay. i went to school an everyone talked about me. i wasnt popular anymore. i tried to not give a fuck. i tried to be tough. it was hard, though. rob and i stopped dating because he was, obviously, just a rebound. amy realized she DID want to be popular afterall, and stopped being my friend.

things went in cycles like this with friends, or faux friends, i guess, all year long. in april, a girl named tabitha who had been a steady friend told me she loved me. or was in love with me. i almost lost it. i literally almost went crazy.

that summer, i started dating newbie. he had been friends with rob the summer before and i knew him briefly. him, his best friend bee, and chaela, who had also been ditched by amy over the school year, became my friends. chaela and bee were dating and we dubbed ourselves the fantastic four. every single day was spent together. every night. we were together always. even throughout the school year. i wound up losing my virginity to newbie. he was 20 and had basically implied he wasnt a virgin anymore and blah blah blah. when we finally broke up in april this year, i found out he hadnt ever even done more than KISS a girl. i never would have lost it had i not felt pressures. this was the wort relationship possible. (http://charliemo.diaryland.com/newbiemds.html). [i met beth in december of the aforementioned school year.]

the only other things i left out i didnt know where to put them, so here they are:

brandon, the one from my 8th grade heartbreak, started declaring his love in the 10th grade and has yet to stop. i have received countless heartwrenching letters from him. we tried dating once newbie and i broke up, but tyler happened and i fell that way.

my friend danny, who was also at the n* show with me, is joannas younger brother. just a random tidbit. we have to keep our friendship a secret because his mom would still threaten me.

throughout the rest of high school, i have gotten called more names than i can think, have gotten more terrible annonymous guestbook signings, as well as phone calls, and have been harrassed. this is why i am in college a year early.

joanna wasnt like me. she did wind up being a lesbian. she was just with her girlfriend olivia for amost 2 years. they broke up one month ago. we still talk and joke about the past and i love her to death. that will never change. she is an amazing person. my mom loves her, too. we pretty much adopted her. i miss her sometimes, but her friendship, nothing more.

im not gay or bi, i just fell in love at a confused period in my lifetime. however, i am now and will always be an extremist when it comes to gay rights.

i liked tyler a lot more than you think. i wrote him 2 letters (obviously which were for myself, not for him.) this summer. i know its probably kind of physco and crazy, but as long as im being totally honest, i might as well admit to that. if you ever want to read them, they are just a click away.