we go slow when we first make our moves.
by five or six bring you out the car.
number nine with my head on the bar.
i am on edge now. i have gone from not letting a single tear fall since april to having cried every day since sunday morning. i am doing it again - i am back to that girl that i was before i met beth. or. before newbie. i don't know exactly when i changed, but i did. and everytime i'd start to slip, someone would catch me.
out of cash and I.O.U's.
when family went wrong, the answer was newbie. when newbie went wrong, there was beth. beth never went wrong. when newbie ended, i got brandon. when i realized that wasn't the answer, kristen, annelise, josh, and everyone else - they were now parts of my life.
my tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent.
bring you back to the bar,
get you out of the cold.
a sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes.
so i layer things. i think this is how i work. when something goes wrong, i consume myself with other things. however, when i have nothing left to consume myself with, i am forced to see what i have become during the layering. this is when i break.
all the crimes they'll commit.
who they'll kiss before they get home.
2 summers ago was my "all night chill/rob" summer. last summer was the "fantastic four". as chaela and i used to say: first the summer of fun, then the summer of love. what is...was...this summer?
lie for fun and fake the way i hold you.
let you fall for every empty word i say.
i feel wasted. emotionally, physically, mentally. i have gone from the kid who draws red hearts around everything with a red crayon to being the kid who breaks the crayon to see what will happen. the fact remains true: if i stay on track, i will wind up utterly alone. way to go, rach. your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes its demands. you laugh at every word trying hard to be cute. i almost feel sorry for what i'm going to do. sometimes its more difficult to move on than people assume. i am working on the realization that these were "just actions, not feelings". indeed, friend. i know such things. and once i stop feeling terrible about the aforementioned events, i can assure you i will be moving on in full force. who will cast the first stone? you can sin or spend the night all alone. its hard finding out the people you enjoy being with, in all honesty, can't stand you. such things have never happened to me before. this is yet one more thing i am trying to sort out. i ask nothing more of you guys than to be patient. in the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone. you're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start. i just wanted things to be different this time around*. (*that being this entire summer and the product thereof.) i love the fact that i am moving sunday and only 3 people have wanted me to hang out thus far. and one of those 3 is just because he wants to make out with me. no more. i wish i lived farther away. i wish someone loved me. i wish people weren't fed up with me. i wish it was october by now. i wish i was her. or her. or, even her. i wish i was you. wishes never do any good, though. not even the ones on stars that shoot. you're a drunk and you're scared. it's ladies night, all the girls drink for free. the following are highlights (and one lowlight) of my summer: 1. the man in the wheelchair. columbia, mo. 2. a certain night which included sitting on a country church's steps. clarksville, tn. 3. 2 am phone calls about boys. 4. missing the staind show. chi-town, il. 5. the lazy L motel. "yes, the building is old." boulder, co. 6. playing gin rummy. gulf shores, al. 7. the "lol" conversation, among most other convos of said trip. denver + ft. collins + boulder, co. 8.sitting in a cafe at 4 am watching a boy in a cursive shirt. nashville, tn. 9. the night before my english final. nashville, tn. 10. i heard peeing in a shower. somewhere between denver + ft. collins, co. 11. making braclets and tees. clarksville, tn. 12. hearing funny stories. rocket city, al. 13."the floor is moving." gulf shores, al. 14. side porch conversations. rocket city, al. thats my summer. and lie for fun and fake the way i hold you. let you fall for every empty word i say. how do i fix this? what more can be said? when did i become this one? help me. i just need my heart to pound and the room to spin (without the influence of alcohol) because someone brushes against me. then i want eye contact that screams "i am different than them." and lie for fun and fake the way i hold you. let you fall for every empty word i say. because i am. even if i do mess up. thank you to those of you who understand and accept my faults.